


Heart full of soul

by vintageblossom



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV), Thirteen Reasons Why - Jay Asher
Genre: Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-15
Updated: 2017-04-25
Packaged: 2018-10-19 07:16:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10634955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vintageblossom/pseuds/vintageblossom
Summary: Three months have passed since Hannah and weirdly enough, while everyone else had already moved on, Clay felt as miserable as ever. Both his worthlessness and cowardice have taken away his very first genuine mentor-slash-friend Jeff, then his first love Hannah and now Skye, the girl with whom he was trying to make up for his lack of bravery and understanding. In spite of all his efforts, he couldn’t save her either.Now, feeling as if he has no reason to keep being strong whatsoever, he knows he'll be the next one.Or… right when Clay Jensen needed Tony Padilla the most, he was nowhere to be seen.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there.  
> This is my first 13rw fanfiction. It had to be Clony, of course - can't help but ship those two together and I had no choice but to fulfill my desire to write something about them. Please, forgive me for any typos or spelling errors, English is not my first language.  
> Enjoy ~

_Suicide is for the weak. ___

He still remembers the words she’d told him a few months prior when he noticed her wounds for the first time. But it didn’t go as Clay hoped it would. Even if the scars in her arms were starting to heal and her lips to stretch into genuine smiles more than twice per day, Clay couldn’t expect what was going to happen next.  
Skye Miller took her own life two months and one week after Hannah did. Clay was desperate. He had watched her slip from his hands without even realizing it: one day she was serenely chatting with him at Monet's between a shift and another, the next one she had just disappeared from his life. So simple yet so devastating.  
Clay Jensen was left by himself, trying to cope with his own pathos and guilt without anyone trying to support and motivate him through it. Of course, his parents had tried to understand and help him as far as they could, and – damn – they still do, but Clay pushing them away and trying to act aloof had not made it simpler. 

He spent the monotonous following days listening to 70s soft rock, playing entertaining yet idiotic online games on his computer and effortlessly dropping his perfect grades, much to his parents’ disappointment. His current life was nothing but school, home, work and then home again.  
School was fine, though: no one paid attention to the lonely, depressed Clay Jensen who apparently had the power to draw death’s attention on every single person who dared to linger around him. No one picked on him, no one tripped him, most of all no one talked to him and neither did he – except if it concerned a school project, of course.  
He had become a sort of living ghost at Liberty High.  
However, none of this affected him. He didn’t want anything to do with people anymore; he believed it would be better for him to spend most of his time alone, daydreaming about what could have happened if he hadn’t left Jessica’s party, that fatal night – or if he could have at least understood Skye enough to save her. 

Eventually, just like he’d expected, trying to make justice happen didn’t work. Bryce Walker had transferred to another school and Clay’s efforts had not overpowered the former’s repugnant actions. Marcus and Courtney moved away too, seeking their missing flawlessness in a different State right after their trial depositions. However, in Clay’s disgust, they weren’t missed as much as Bryce: the fun and kind-hearted baseball team captain.  
He was a rapist, a cold-hearted rapist, yet everyone at school seemed to be overlooking or minimizing the rumors about his horrid behavior – and that made Clay feel like he couldn’t belong to such unfair world anymore. 

Alex Standall hadn’t made it in the end. His situation worsened as days went by and soon another locker was filled with fake mournful quotes, happy pictures of said teen, heart-breaking notes, and pitiful decorations – apparently, someone else had taken Courtney’s place in this.  
As weeks passed Alex became nothing but a sad memory, just like Jeff and Hannah. Posters about suicide prevention were all over the school’s walls by then and after Alex’s death they had increased in number – “ironic” Clay would think as he walked through the hallways, considering Alex’s opinion about that wastepaper. 

Whereas Justin Foley had withdrawn from school, everyone else mentioned in Hannah’s tapes stayed and showed their shameful faces every day in said stained building – Clay Jensen included. 

Except there was something different about them. 

They would act as if nothing happened and as if Hannah’s story had been a mere nightmare they all accidentally had.  
Everyone seemed to have moved on. Everyone, except Clay.  
He had lost the ones he cared about the most and he was left alone coping with it – he kept believing that whatever was going on with his life, he had deserved it. He knew it was his fault, after all.  
Yet, when he was alone at night, clutching at his soft, tears-soaked pillow, he couldn’t help but wish Tony had been there with him. But said boy was nowhere to be seen – he had been missing since after that great road trip they’ve had with Skye and Brad and no one knew his whereabouts.  
By then, Clay understood that he had lost him too. 

_____________

Monday. The first day of the week has gone by too. It’s spring. The most vibrant and lively season of them all. Birds are chirping, flowers are blooming, trees are towering with their bright green leaves over the delighted people passing by.  
When you think about spring, a feeling of happiness bursts inside you and your heart starts thumping fast in joy against your ribcage; happy to be surrounded by such bright colors.  
Well, that’s at least how people generally feel. Apparently, Clay Jensen doesn’t belong to this category.  
Dressed in dark blue jeans, a gray shirt, and a black hoodie, said boy is walking through the hallways of Liberty High with a frown on his face, pushing past the crowd of giggling students with harshness.  
How can they be this happy? He asks himself. Don’t they care about Skye? Have they forgotten about Hannah, Jeff and Alex? Sometimes, he just wishes he could be as heartless as them. Life would be much easier that way. 

He stops in front of the school’s main door, caught by a sudden gust of wind which makes him shiver from head to toe. He wraps his arms around his body and keeps walking, nonetheless.  
It has been a while since he stopped riding his bike. It’s not that he got bored of it – he just doesn’t know how to fix the broken chain and didn’t want to ask his parents for help.  
He sighs, deeply, as he knows a long walk home is waiting for him, as well as a bunch of homework he’ll probably never bother doing.  
His grades suck, considering he had been a straight A’s student since freshman year, and even if he would want to change this situation, he doesn’t have the physical nor the mental strength to help himself improving. Or, maybe, he just doesn’t care anymore. 

Deeply absorbed in thought, he doesn’t notice a familiar flaming red 65’s Ford Mustang parked right in front of the school gates, a young man with gelled hair and an old-fashioned leather jacket is leaning against the car door; Clay walks past it, his stare low and his hands deep in his hoodie’s pockets. 

“Clay,” a quite familiar voice calls him. 

He’s quick at turning around, but once he sees the well-known face, he freezes on the spot, unable to speak. 

“You need a ride?” 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Tony and Clay sort of talk things out.

_“Clay, you need a ride?”  
“Sure.” ___

Spread out on the passenger seat, Clay inhales the familiar scent the vehicle’s interior gives off, and sighs, contented. He should be feeling anger, annoyance, and betrayal; yet all he feels is coziness and safety – just like he should feel at home, except he doesn’t.   
He hates himself for being such a weakling. He should be mad at the boy sitting next to him, driving; he should yell at him, instead of staring into empty space.  
Two weeks ago, Tony had vanished without a trace after dropping him in front of his house. He had given him a quick hug – which is strange considering Tony’s got some troubles when it comes to showing affection in front of others, but Clay had let it fly nonetheless – and then approached his car, his firm stare had lingered on him until he had climbed into the driver’s seat; Clay can still recall the engine rumbling loudly in the silence of the night, as the red vehicle rolled into the street. He wouldn’t have heard from him for the next two weeks, but he didn’t know that yet.  
In fact, little did he know, Tony’s next stop wouldn’t have been his house; that night, when Clay’s parents were busy scolding him for being late without at least texting them, Tony had hit the main road leading someplace in which he could have found nothing but tranquillity. 

__“Long time no see, huh?”_ _

__Tony steals a glance at him as he carefully speaks the words he had been seeking for the past five minutes. It is not the smartest way to break the ice, he knows that, but it just seems the less wrong one to him right now._ _

__“Yup,” Clay confirms, stressing the ‘p’ in an ironic manner. Clay, with his hands thrust deep into his pockets, is not even looking at him; the slow-changing landscape outside the vehicle seeming more interesting according to his distant, blue eyes. Tony knows that his friend must be upset and he’s willing to make it up to him, whatever it takes._ _

__“I don’t know what to say, Clay.”_ _

__Tony sighs, his grip on the steering wheel tighter as time goes by and the tension grows. For the first time in a while, he doesn’t know what to say. So, he just tells him, because it’s how he does._ _

__Clay shifts on his seat, still contemplating the scenery in the background, looking not so inclined to grapple with a serious conversation right now._ _

__As a matter of fact, he doesn’t get a real answer._ _

__Soon, he pulls into his passenger’s neighborhood, wrapping his free hand around the gearshift and throwing it into the second gear. Gradually decelerating, the flaming red car approaches Clay’s house, the engine turning into a slow hum._ _

__Both stay mom and still. Clay is still gazing distractedly out of the window whilst a thousand questions cross his mind. The other boy glances at him, a flash of worry going through his eyes, his wrists now resting on the steering wheel. He wants to say something. He wants to explain himself to him, comfort him, help him and take all his pain away. Besides, a small part of him knows Clay needs time. After all that has happened to him…_ _

__“Um… This is you, Clay.”_ _

__The words leave his lips almost unconsciously – recalling the good old times when he used to drop Clay off at his house, his brain had brilliantly thought it would have been great to spit those words right then._ _

__On the other hand, as if he has been waiting for those words to come out of Tony’s mouth, like an order, Clay grabs the door handle and pushes, jumping out of the car with his backpack sitting highly on his shoulders. Unexpectedly, he slams the door shut and Tony gives him a horrified glare._ _

__“What the fuck, man?” he shouts, incredulous, leaning on the window sill with his left arm sticking out of it. The teen doesn’t listen to him and keeps walking towards the main door, nonetheless._ _

__He’s not upset because of the treatment his blameless vehicle has suffered; instead, he cannot explain his friend’s odd behavior to himself – and this makes him fuming.  
Not a thank you, not a see you soon, not even a simple bye. He knows Clay is kind of a weird kid, but he’s not an asshole. He wouldn’t act like this if something wasn’t going on._ _

__“Are you for real, Clay?”_ _

__Clay freezes in the middle of the pathway and turns around to look at him. He looks exhausted, sallow, more like in the verge of a nervous breakdown. Tony hadn’t spotted the protruding bags under his dead eyes until now, finally able to get a better view of Clay’s whole face. He looks skinnier, too, his cheekbones look sharper than the last time he’s seen him. Has he, perhaps, been skipping meals when he wasn’t around?_ _

__“Sadly, I am. I am real,” it’s his dull reply._ _

__It’s like a pang on his chest. Tony’s heart aches a little, hearing Clay say those words hurt him more than he could have imagined. He doesn’t want to go through this again, he doesn’t want Clay to feel what Hannah felt. He could not save her; however, he can save him now that he’s aware of the looming danger._ _

__“Clay, I-”_ _

__“No, fuck you, Tony. I’ve heard enough shit from you.” His words are harsh, but his tone is quiet, it’s soft… dull. He stands there, with his arms hanging loosely by his sides – harmless on the outside yet potentially harmful to himself on the inside. Tony isn’t convinced of his friend’s intentions. It’s like Clay is trying to fight him away, but he doesn’t know how or, simply, doesn’t have a solid enough reason to make his actions look real._ _

__They are in front of his house, it’s late afternoon and his parents might be home or in their way. He doesn’t want to start a fight right here, right now._ _

__“Let’s just talk. I want nothing, but to help you, Clay.”_ _

__A hint of an unhopeful smile flashes across his face. “Help me, really?” He takes a step forward and walks over his car, as Tony looks at him with a worried expression plastered all over his face – one that fits him thanks to his soft, puppy-like features. He stops right in front of him, the tough look in his face trying to hide the pain he’s feeling._ _

__“If you wanted to help me. If you really wanted to, you wouldn’t have left like that in the first place—this is not how friendship works, Tony,” he spits out._ _

__“I-- Clay. Listen to me, for once… please. Get inside the car.”_ _

__“As if I’ve never listened to you.” Now, Clay’s usual deep voice seems to have increased in volume, making it high-pitched. “If now I am like this, it’s only because you wanted me to listen to you and those damn tapes… and I did. I did listen, Tony. Look at me now. I’m in such good shape, am I not?”_ _

__“Well, I might disagree on this.” He shakes his head. “Just get in the car, Clay.”_ _

__“Why don’t you just leave me alone, for once?”_ _

__Tony wants to shout angrily at him to stop being so childish and moody. He stays silent, instead, and looks at him straight in the eye. He is not used to acting like an asshole, anyway – at least, not with the younger boy.  
Despite his hurtful and sharp yet clear words, Clay doesn’t move an inch. He doesn't turn on his heels and approach his house, like Tony assumes he would want to. With his lips pressed tight together, clenched fists and furrowed brows, he looks like he’s trying to restrain himself from adding something else. Tony knows what. He might not have been the ideal friend lately, but he knows exactly how to read Clay._ _

__“You don’t actually want me to leave you alone, right? Get in the car and let’s talk this out.”_ _

__He shakes his head, clutching at his backpack’s strings, and meekly obliges. “You were the one who indirectly told me to get off the car, though,” he mutters to himself, as he climbs back in the passenger’s seat. The truth is, that he would rather be anywhere else but inside his room – the same room who has been spectator of his misery for way too much time for him to tolerate it some more; and Tony’s car, as much as he might hate her owner right now, it’s a better option._ _

__“I need to talk to you,” Tony’s soft voice interrupts his flow of thought. “There are many things I want- I need to tell you. First of all, you need to know that I’m terribly sorry for having left you like that in such awful situation and I wish I didn’t. On the other hand, I’m not sorry just because I’ve decided to get some time off for myself – I fucking needed it, Clay.”_ _

__Clay gets struck by the sincerity in his friend’s words – he actually feels like an asshole, now, as if he should be the one apologizing in his place. He’s about to speak, when the main door creaks open, making the two of them draw their attention away from each other.  
Lainie, standing on top of the short stair wearing a flawless suit, looks at them with a curious yet inquisitive expression. As her gaze flicks to Tony, she senses the tension flowing between the two teens._ _

__Clay grabs Tony’s arm and manages to utter out a single but sharp word._ _

__“Drive.”_ _

__Tony gives him a puzzled look. “But your mom--”_ _

__“Fucking drive, Tony!” he barks, leaning towards him and reaching out to start up the car himself. Tony grabs his hand in time and stops him before he tries anything stupid._ _

__“Alright,” he reassures him, “I’m starting the car.” And so, he does._ _

__Lainie halts in the middle of the pathway – the exact spot in which she saw her son stop about ten minutes ago – once she hears a loud roar and notices the red mustang buying speed as it runs down the road._ _

__

__“So… you got any plans?”_ _

__Clay looks at his lap, where his fingers are nervously playing with each other, and stays silent for a while before glancing up at Tony. The boy looks straight in front of himself, obviously focused on the road; however, he knows he’s being observed, his lips twitching in a barely restrained smile._ _

__“What plans?”_ _

__“I mean,” Tony clears his voice, “I’ve been driving for half an hour. Where’d you want to go?”_ _

__“Just…” he sighs, “just keep driving, Tony.” There’s nowhere he would like to go, right now. All places in this damn town remind him of Hannah, Skye, and Jeff... Alex too – again, there isn’t a place he would like to be, right now, except in Tony’s car._ _

__Although Clay assumed Tony would listen to him and keep driving, ten minutes later he feels the car slowing down and pull up. Even if he’s been overwhelmed by the soothing rocking of the car, being almost half-asleep, he can clearly see where Tony’s decided to stop by._ _

__“Eisenhower… park?” he mumbles. “Really, Tony?”_ _

__“Yeah, as you can see.”_ _

__It’s not dark outside, though the sun has already gone down. It must be six in the evening or something. Clay stirs, making a few bones creak awfully – yeah, he hasn’t been doing much movement lately, like he would care about his health anyway. The metal rail fence is standing in front of them, and he can also take a glimpse of the slide in the distance, on the green lawn. All of sudden, he notices Hannah sitting on top of it, swinging her legs playfully in the empty and waving at him with unnatural enthusiasm; the soft wind blowing her wavy hair all over her cheerful face._ _

__“Hey, man? You alright?” He feels a soft grip on his shoulder and turns around, shocked expression painted all over his face – but he probably isn’t even aware of it as he looks back at Tony in confusion.  
He turns around again, to look at the slide once more, but Hannah’s not there anymore._ _

__“I’m fine,” he breathes out._ _

__Tony nods but doesn’t remove his hand from his friend’s shoulder. They stay like this for a while, with Tony looking at him thoughtfully and Clay, in turn, reciprocating his stare with an inexpressive one. It’s awkward, so the former decides to break the silence and give him a proper explanation._ _

__He takes his hand off his shoulder and sighs. “It was because of Brad.”_ _

__The Latino’s sudden words startle Clay, who blinks rapidly for a couple of seconds before understanding what he’s just been told. He clears his throat. “Brad… you mean your boyfriend? You left with him?”_ _

__“Well, I left because of him… and because of some more, insignificant stuff I needed to deal with before coming back,” he starts off. Clay looks at him; unconvinced, incredulous. But Tony is not one who could easily lie, is he?_ _

__“After all that’s happened, I needed to have some time for myself. Leave the city for a while. Spend some time alone, you know.”_ _

__“Wow,” Clay interrupts him before he can continue, “that sounded kind of selfish, you know.”_ _

__“Clay,” Tony’s slight stern tone make him gulp, but he successfully hides his flinch, “don’t be like this. I’m not you. Hannah wasn’t my world—I mean, she was my friend and I’m glad I could help her, somehow. But when I gave the tapes to her parents… I felt like I couldn’t be part of this anymore, I had accomplished my task, and that was it.” He pauses, making sure Clay is paying attention to him. The boy is looking at him – at his chest, actually. Maybe too afraid to look at him in the eyes._ _

__“I needed to take care of my own fucking problems, alright? I wanted some time to think, out of here. It’s not easy to think about your problems when all you’ve kept doing was fixing others’, you know.”_ _

__“I’m sorry I forced you to stalk me around the town for days. Shouldn’t have done that.”_ _

__Tony sighs and starts playing with his ring. “I broke up with Brad.” Silence._ _

__Then, Clay chuckles. It’s not an amused kind of chuckle. It’s an arid one, and it scares Tony what might be coming next. “Wait. You just… left for two weeks, because you two broke up?”_ _

__“It’s complicated. Love is. You can’t- you don’t understand.”_ _

__“Of course I can’t! My fucking love life died even before it started!” he shouts, angrily. Tears gather in his blue, glossy eyes and he can’t help but let one of them slip down his pale cheek. “I needed you, Tony… you were the only one— the only one who could understand and help me through that.” _Yet, you choose him over me, when I needed you the most. _He wants to add, but he stops himself before it's too late.___ _

____The Latino boy feels his heart clench at his sincere words, but what he doesn’t know is that Clay is not angry because he had left him– he’s angry because he had left for Brad, and because his affection for the latter is still probably stronger than the one he feels for him. “I’m sorry.”_ _ _ _

____“Even if I tried to push you away, called you names…”_ _ _ _

____“Unhelpful Yoda, was it?” Tony recalls out loud, half-smiling._ _ _ _

____“…deep down, I still needed you, a friend. And for the whole time, I thought you had left because of me. And it hurt me.”_ _ _ _

____Tony widens his eyes a little, as he stares at the few trees in front of him his heart starts pumping fast against his ribcage. He couldn’t have found out, could he? Was it too obvious? “W-what do you mean by that, Clay?”_ _ _ _

____“I’m a useless piece of trash, Tony. All I do turns out to be unhelpful or worse, destructive. I thought… you had left because everyone around me was suffering, and you didn’t want to end up like them.”_ _ _ _

____Tony would have sighed out of relief if his friend’s words hadn’t reminded him of such self-hating behavior._ _ _ _

____“It wasn’t your fault. It’s not your fault, alright?” He leans closer to him and grabs his shoulder to make sure he’s fully listening to every single word he spits out. “It was just… an incident.”_ _ _ _

____The younger shakes his head, frantic. “If I hadn’t left Jessica’s--”_ _ _ _

____“No more ifs, and's or buts, Clay. It happened. That’s it. Deal with it,” he interrupts him softly. “If you keep thinking about it, you won’t move on. Believe me.”_ _ _ _

____“I want it to stop, Tony.” He blinks his eyelids and a tear slips down his cheek. “Why am I the only one still hurting?”_ _ _ _

____“I know. That’s why I’m here. I want to help you through this.” Reluctantly, he reaches out to wipe the tear away with his thumb, rubbing softly afterward. “Everything will be okay, alright?”_ _ _ _

____They end up sitting on a bench, that one bench which saw Clay finish the first side of the first tape, telling each other the good and funny memories - whether they are about Hannah, Jeff or someone else, it doesn't matter. After a while, they just decide to sit there in complete silence, admiring the sky looking like a huge dark blanket with the stars twinkling within it sporadically, Tony with his arm draped over his shoulders and the other boy crying softly against the crook of his neck. The older doesn’t mind the wetness, nor the wet patches on his shirt. He’s glad he’s with Clay._ _ _ _

____However, when Lainie and Matt’s calls start to sound more insistent, they find themselves compelled to head back to the car._ _ _ _

____ _ _

____It’s half past ten in the evening when they reach Clay’s house and the lights are still on – with a deep sigh, he understands he’ll have to go through a long talk with his parents before heading to bed._ _ _ _

____“Thank you. Don't know what for, but thank you. You're a great guy.” Clay gives him a small smile, although his cheeks are still wet for all the crying, and so are his eyes._ _ _ _

____“What is it you’re doing now, Clay?” Tony asks, leaning a bit out of the window with his arm dropped out of it loosely. Clay’s words have made alarm bells ring inside of him. “You’ll not try anything stupid, will you?”_ _ _ _

____Clay stands in front of the car, now looking at his shoes with a frown on his face. “Can’t promise you anything,” he mumbles. “But I’ll try.”_ _ _ _

____“There are many people who still love you endlessly, Clay. Please. Promise me I’ll see you again at school tomorrow.”_ _ _ _

____Clay just stares blankly at him, as the Latino scans his face for any sign of tacit assent. He doesn’t find any. However, what else Tony doesn’t find, is Clay’s hidden determination and hope – both having restored since Tony's return in town._ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (i'm slow, i know).  
> i apologize if there are any mistakes, feel free to point them out. you'd make me a huge favor!  
> thank you for reading, i hope you enjoyed it and i promise there will be wayy more clony in the next chapters!


End file.
